MARGARITA. CHEESECAKES. It’s the recipe that inspired Scones & Patron, and you won’t be able to resist the sweet, creamy combination of lime and tequila – in individual portions!
I have a very serious question for you, readers.
What are your thoughts on Home Depot?
Personally, I think it smells like dirt and nightmares, and that jarring shade of orange wouldn’t even look good on Beyonce (QUEEN). The second I pull into the parking lot, dark memories surface that I long ago pushed to the back of my mind – memories of splinters obtained when helping my dad choose wood panels; of big, scary men who were of no help when I lost my family; and of long days spent endlessly mulling over lighting fixtures when I could have been playing soccer with my friends.
Needless to say, I try to avoid this manly mecca whenever possible. However, when five-sixths of my kitchen lights burned out, I was faced with a difficult choice – to live in complete darkness, or to face my nemesis, Home Depot?
I thought really, really hard about living in the dark, I did. I mean, I’m already pale enough – the glow of my skin alone could probably light the way! And maybe I would just never be in my apartment outside of daylight hours! I’m sure Dan and Amanda would take me in!
Then, I realized I was being a giant pussy, so I caved. I pumped up at the gym, hopped in my car (at rush hour… mistake #1), and drove over to the HD in Merrifield. Only to find that they DIDN’T HAVE THE RIGHT LIGHTBULBS. WHAT??? I was outraged. I pondered buying a plant just so that my trip had a purpose, quickly remembered that I had killed every plant I ever owned, and angrily drove back to my apartment, rage-singing Alanis Morissette* all the way.
*In hindsight this is an extremely strange thing to do, but I’ll be a ‘You Oughta Know’ fangirl forever and for always.
This is when I was reminded that Amazon Prime was a thing. GOOD, JESSE. I poured several glasses of wine, spent $21 on lightbulbs, and watched Bad Teacher twice before falling asleep. WILD WEDNESDAY.
(If I promise this post talks about food eventually, will you believe me??)
Fast forward to Friday! The lightbulbs finally arrived, and I rushed (er, inched – dark AF) into my kitchen screaming “LET THERE BE LIGHT!” because no one was home to judge me. I do what I want.
Now, we don’t have to go into the gory details, but long story short – I’m not an adult. I SOMEHOW broke two of the dead lightbulbs and an integral piece of the light fixture itself. I then stood on a chair in my kitchen, shattered glass littering the floor, unsure whether I should laugh or cry. I did both at the same time. Don’t try to picture it, it’s not pretty.
What makes me happy when I’m sad? Tequila, baking, tequila, cheesecake… why not combine them all into margarita cheesecakes? I happened to be hosting a book club at my apartment later that night, so this was perfect! I swept up (most of) the broken glass, vowed never to walk barefoot in my apartment again, poured a glass of wine (I don’t have a problem), and got to work.
To make the cheesecakes, I first lined a 12-cup cupcake tin with cupcake liners and preheated the oven to 325F. I used my food processor to grind 1 cup of honey graham crackers into crumbs, and then added 2 T melted butter and pulsed to create the crust mixture. I pressed this mixture into the bottom of each liner, and baked for 5 minutes.
While the crust was baking, I pulled out a large bowl and added 16 ounces softened cream cheese, 2/3 cup granulated sugar, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, 2 T all-purpose flour, the zest and juice from one lime, and – THE GOOD STUFF – 1/4 cup of Jose silver, and 2 T Grand Marnier. Fuck yeaaaaaah.
I divided this mixture on top of the par-baked crusts, and then popped the tin in the oven for about 25 minutes – until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cheesecake came out clean.
Except I’m a ratchet thot who doesn’t have toothpicks, so I used the stem of a mini drink umbrella. Get on my level.
UMMM, GUYS. THESE WERE FUCKING AWESOME. Five out of five people voted these the best cheesecake they’ve ever had, and a round of tequila shots was taken in celebration. A word to the wise, though – USE A PLATE AND FORK unless you’re looking to replace your kitchen/dining room floor with graham cracker crumbs. It does add a nice rustic element to the apartment, at least?!
Please make these, or at least drink tequila and think about making them, or come over to my apartment and eat one of the two that survived before I do!